Sarah
What the hell did you do that for?
Josh
You can’t drive right now. We’ll find them in the morning.
Sarah
Oh, I forgot, you’re the big boss man. Getting the little woman under control.
Josh
You’re drunk.
Sarah
(laughs) No shit, Sherlock. I need cigarettes. Go find my keys, now.
Josh
Well, that’s too bad. I got shit to do tomorrow. I’m going to bed.
Sarah
Have fun with your hand!
Josh
Come to bed. You’ll feel better in the morning.
Sarah
Oh, yes! Because everything’s so fucking great! I need something…(begins to look around, but trails off and starts dancing to a song that comes on)
Josh
(Starts putting his hands on her hips to dance with her) Why do you do this to me?
Sarah
(laughs) Shut-up. You’re lucky that’s all I do to you!
Josh
(leans in for a kiss, Sarah pushes him away)
Sarah
Get off me!
Josh
Jesus, Sarah. You’re fucking bi-polar.
Sarah
And you’re a prick! Where were you today?
Josh
What is that supposed to mean? I was at work. Where the hell do you think I was.
Sarah
You were not! I called that number on the fridge and they gave me to the wrong Josh! The only Josh he knew!
Josh
I didn’t put a number on the fridge, besides, they probably didn’t know who you were talking about because I’m new.
Sarah
Well, then. That settles that!
Josh
What, do you want to follow me to work or something? Hold my hand, walk me up to the door and give me a kiss on the forehead like I’m an eight year old?
Sarah
Ugh. What’s your problem, I needed to talk!
Josh
We can talk at home. You can’t call me at work.
Sarah
You never want to just talk.
Josh
Talk then.
Sarah
No, you’re only saying that because you feel like you have to.
Josh
This is why I don’t like it when you drink, you can’t have a normal conversation. Who bought you the alcohol?
Sarah
I have my secrets, too. You think you know me? You don’t know shit!
Josh
Is that supposed to be a threat?
Sarah
God, I need a cigarette. (rummages through the ashtray and knocks it on the floor, it breaks). Ugh, look what you made me do!
Josh
What the hell is that supposed to mean, you have your secrets?
Sarah
Exactly.
Josh
Exactly what?
Sarah
Never mind, quit changing the subject.
Josh
You brought it up! I can’t stay up all night arguing about bullshit. Clean that shit up and come to bed.
Sarah
Why? You have somewhere else to be? I can never find you!
Josh
I’ve got to go to bed, I already told you where I fucking was.
Sarah
I swear to God, if you go to bed right now, we’re over!
Josh
Fucking talk then.
Sarah
Where were you today and don’t give me that bullshit about work either, I called.
Josh
You are impossible. Get off it already! What the hell did you do all day? You didn’t clean, that’s obvious.
Sarah
I don’t know. My mom doesn’t like you and now I know why! (starts crying). My mom loves me! (Takes out her phone and starts to call her mother). Hi, mom? No, it’s Josh. I think he’s…
Josh
(grabs the phone) Hi Mrs. Schmidt. No, no. Everything’s ok/Yeah, I’m sorry about this, I’ll have her call you in the morning, she had a few drinks and didn’t eat dinner. I know. I’m sorry. Ok. Yeah, talk to you tomorrow. (puts phone in his pocket)
Sarah
(starts balling, puts her head on the table)
Josh
Do you think your mom will love you if you call her drunk? She’s disappointed in you.
Sarah
I hate you! I’m going to call the cops!
Josh
What the fuck are you talking about, just calm down.
Sarah
You don’t love me.
Josh
(silence)
Sarah
Where are my cigarettes?
Josh
Shut-up about the fucking cigarettes already!
Sarah
(laughs hysterically) Oh, is somebody mad? How’s it feel to be mad at me? I’m mad at you! (points her finger in his face).
Josh
(grabs her hand and squeezes)
Sarah
Ow! Let go! You’re hurting me!
Josh
Stop fucking talking! You’re drunk and you need to go to bed.
Sarah
I hate you, let go!
Josh
(throws her hand down, she stumbles back)
Sarah
We are so over, you hit me!
Josh
You want to call the cops? Call the fucking cops! Here’s your fucking phone! (throws the phone over the fence)
Sarah
(screams) I need to know where you are all day!
Josh
Shut the fuck up or everyone in the neighborhood is going to know our business! Get to fucking bed!
Sarah
I’m going to hell!
Josh
What?
Sarah
I’m going to fucking hell!
Josh
What? What did you do?
Sarah
(crying) I had to. I never know where you are.
Josh
Sarah, Sarah! Look at me. What did you do?
Sarah
I can’t. I can’t…(indistinguishable mumbling)
Josh
Sarah, if you don’t fucking tell me what you did I’m going to call your mom and tell her how bad you were.
Sarah
No, no, no, don’t call mommy. I can’t. I hit someone. I hit them and I didn’t do it.
Josh
What do you mean you hit someone? You mean you punched someone?
Sarah
No, I didn’t punch anyone you stupid fuck!
Josh
Sarah, look at me, calm down. (grabs her by the arm) What did you fucking do?
Sarah
(struggles to get free) Ow, ow, ow, you’re hurting me! I hit someone. I had to go get to the doctor’s, but he wasn’t there and then I hit someone!
Josh
With my car?
Sarah
Yes. With the car and I couldn’t see them and they fell. (sobs uncontrollably)
Josh
Sarah, I need you to calm down. Jesus, fuck!
Sarah
I’m sorry mom. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, I didn’t know what to do.
Josh
Fuck. Ok, ok. Just, stay here. (runs out to look at the car, see’s a dent on the front bumper).
Josh
Shit, Sarah. Ok, we need to go.
Sarah
What do you mean we need to go? I’m going to hell. I couldn’t do anything.
Josh
Sarah, it’s time to be serious now. I need you to go to your room and get your favorite clothes ok? We’re going for a trip.
Sarah
A trip? What do you mean? I didn’t have my passport. Where are my cigarettes?
Josh
That’s ok, honey. I love you very much. Can you do me a favor and get your clothes, we’re going on a trip, but we have to leave soon so we can get cigarettes first, ok?
Sarah
Ok. I think I’m going to be sick. (stumbles down the hall)
Josh
(grabs a flashlight and looks for the keys in the yard) Fuck, fuck, fuck. Thank God! (runs inside and opens a false bottom in a drawer taking out a large sum of cash)
Sarah
I can’t find you! Josh? Josh!
Josh
I’m in here honey, did you get your bag of clothes for our trip? We need to hurry so we can get cigarettes, remember?
Sarah
Ok. I remember, I love you. I have my favorite dress!
Josh
Great honey.
Sarah
Whoa. Where did you get all that? Wow! We’re rich. Where did you get all of that?
Josh
I won the lottery today.
Sarah
Yes! I knew I would win!