Josh and Sarah Cause Trouble

 

Sarah

What the hell did you do that for?

Josh

You can’t drive right now. We’ll find them in the morning.

Sarah

Oh, I forgot, you’re the big boss man. Getting the little woman under control.

Josh

You’re drunk.

Sarah

(laughs) No shit, Sherlock. I need cigarettes. Go find my keys, now.

Josh

Well, that’s too bad. I got shit to do tomorrow. I’m going to bed.

Sarah

Have fun with your hand!

Josh

Come to bed. You’ll feel better in the morning.

Sarah

Oh, yes! Because everything’s so fucking great! I need something…(begins to look around, but trails off and starts dancing to a song that comes on)

Josh

(Starts putting his hands on her hips to dance with her) Why do you do this to me?

Sarah

(laughs) Shut-up. You’re lucky that’s all I do to you!

Josh

(leans in for a kiss, Sarah pushes him away)

Sarah

Get off me!

Josh

Jesus, Sarah. You’re fucking bi-polar.

Sarah

And you’re a prick! Where were you today?

Josh

What is that supposed to mean? I was at work. Where the hell do you think I was.

Sarah

You were not! I called that number on the fridge and they gave me to the wrong Josh! The only Josh he knew!

Josh

I didn’t put a number on the fridge, besides, they probably didn’t know who you were talking about because I’m new.

Sarah

Well, then. That settles that!

Josh

What, do you want to follow me to work or something? Hold my hand, walk me up to the door and give me a kiss on the forehead like I’m an eight year old?

Sarah

Ugh. What’s your problem, I needed to talk!

Josh

We can talk at home. You can’t call me at work.

Sarah

You never want to just talk.

Josh

Talk then.

Sarah

No, you’re only saying that because you feel like you have to.

Josh

This is why I don’t like it when you drink, you can’t have a normal conversation. Who bought you the alcohol?

Sarah

I have my secrets, too. You think you know me? You don’t know shit!

Josh

Is that supposed to be a threat?

Sarah

God, I need a cigarette. (rummages through the ashtray and knocks it on the floor, it breaks). Ugh, look what you made me do!

Josh

What the hell is that supposed to mean, you have your secrets?

Sarah

Exactly.

Josh

Exactly what?

Sarah

Never mind, quit changing the subject.

Josh

You brought it up! I can’t stay up all night arguing about bullshit. Clean that shit up and come to bed.

Sarah

Why? You have somewhere else to be?  I can never find you!

Josh

I’ve got to go to bed, I already told you where I fucking was.

Sarah

I swear to God, if you go to bed right now, we’re over!

Josh

Fucking talk then.

Sarah

Where were you today and don’t give me that bullshit about work either, I called.

Josh

You are impossible. Get off it already! What the hell did you do all day? You didn’t clean, that’s obvious.

Sarah

I don’t know. My mom doesn’t like you and now I know why! (starts crying). My mom loves me! (Takes out her phone and starts to call her mother). Hi, mom? No, it’s Josh. I think he’s…

Josh

(grabs the phone) Hi Mrs. Schmidt. No, no. Everything’s ok/Yeah, I’m sorry about this, I’ll have her call you in the morning, she had a few drinks and didn’t eat dinner. I know. I’m sorry. Ok. Yeah, talk to you tomorrow. (puts phone in his pocket)

Sarah

(starts balling, puts her head on the table)

Josh

Do you think your mom will love you if you call her drunk? She’s disappointed in you.

Sarah

I hate you! I’m going to call the cops!

Josh

What the fuck are you talking about, just calm down.

Sarah

You don’t love me.

Josh

(silence)

Sarah

Where are my cigarettes?

Josh

Shut-up about the fucking cigarettes already!

Sarah

(laughs hysterically) Oh, is somebody mad? How’s it feel to be mad at me? I’m mad at you! (points her finger in his face).

Josh

(grabs her hand and squeezes)

Sarah

Ow! Let go! You’re hurting me!

Josh

Stop fucking talking! You’re drunk and you need to go to bed.

Sarah

I hate you, let go!

Josh

(throws her hand down, she stumbles back)

Sarah

We are so over, you hit me!

Josh

You want to call the cops? Call the fucking cops! Here’s your fucking phone! (throws the phone over the fence)

Sarah

(screams) I need to know where you are all day!

Josh

Shut the fuck up or everyone in the neighborhood is going to know our business! Get to fucking bed!

Sarah

 I’m going to hell!

Josh

What?

Sarah

I’m going to fucking hell!

Josh

What? What did you do?

Sarah

(crying) I had to. I never know where you are.

Josh

Sarah, Sarah! Look at me. What did you do?

Sarah

I can’t. I can’t…(indistinguishable mumbling)

Josh

Sarah, if you don’t fucking tell me what you did I’m going to call your mom and tell her how bad you were.

Sarah

No, no, no, don’t call mommy. I can’t. I hit someone. I hit them and I didn’t do it.

Josh

What do you mean you hit someone? You mean you punched someone?

Sarah

No, I didn’t punch anyone you stupid fuck!

Josh

Sarah, look at me, calm down. (grabs her by the arm) What did you fucking do?

Sarah

(struggles to get free) Ow, ow, ow, you’re hurting me! I hit someone. I had to go get to the doctor’s, but he wasn’t there and then I hit someone!

Josh

With my car?

Sarah

Yes. With the car and I couldn’t see them and they fell. (sobs uncontrollably)

Josh

Sarah, I need you to calm down. Jesus, fuck!

Sarah

I’m sorry mom. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, I didn’t know what to do.

Josh

Fuck. Ok, ok. Just, stay here. (runs out to look at the car, see’s a dent on the front bumper).

Josh

Shit, Sarah. Ok, we need to go.

Sarah

What do you mean we need to go? I’m going to hell. I couldn’t do anything.

Josh

Sarah, it’s time to be serious now. I need you to go to your room and get your favorite clothes ok? We’re going for a trip.

Sarah

A trip? What do you mean? I didn’t have my passport. Where are my cigarettes?

Josh

That’s ok, honey. I love you very much. Can you do me a favor and get your clothes, we’re going on a trip, but we have to leave soon so we can get cigarettes first, ok?

Sarah

Ok. I think I’m going to be sick. (stumbles down the hall)

Josh

(grabs a flashlight and looks for the keys in the yard) Fuck, fuck, fuck. Thank God! (runs inside and opens a false bottom in a drawer taking out a large sum of cash)

Sarah

I can’t find you! Josh? Josh!

Josh

I’m in here honey, did you get your bag of clothes for our trip? We need to hurry so we can get cigarettes, remember?

Sarah

Ok. I remember, I love you. I have my favorite dress!

Josh

Great honey.

Sarah

Whoa. Where did you get all that? Wow! We’re rich. Where did you get all of that?

Josh

I won the lottery today.

Sarah

Yes! I knew I would win!

 

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